UMU 19: Turmoil

 I have grown tired of trying to make everyone happy at the expense of my own happiness. 

I have found myself to get angrier and angrier when I fail to please others. 

I no longer recognize myself in the mirror. 

the constant berating and put downs. I hurt others when I try to be happy, so is that true happiness? 

Is not happiness supposed to be contagious. 

But I find others to be unhappy when I am happy. 

So, what am I supposed to do? 

Sacrifice my happiness for the happiness of others? 

Do I become heartless and only pursue my happiness? 

Would that make me happy knowing my friends are happy? 

Is it wrong to be happy when making others upset or hurt? 

I have never been in such turmoil. It drives me crazy. 

Feelings are complicated and messy and chaotic. 

I find it to be easier to harbor no emotions that way I am no longer struggling and sad. 

What would sadness be and what would happiness be if I carry no emotions. Nonexistent and peaceful. 

I will rob myself of life and live onwards.